Lustful Memoirs
By: Gina - gina@basic-nstynct.com
Chapter FourteenI stood still for moments, contemplating my decision. I wanted so badly to bring him some comfort, to make the weariness of his body and the worried look on his face vanish. But this one night wouldn't help him in any great way. I didn't want to set precedence.
"JC, I'm sorry. I can't sleep with you tonight." My words did not get a response; he sat still as a board on his stool. "There are rules that Johnny told me that I needed to follow. I don't want to disregard them. I guess you don't want to talk about it?"
He turned to me, our eyes meeting for the first time since he posed the impossible question, I noticed his face wet with tears. I closed the space between us and enveloped him in my arms. All sense of reason left my body. I pulled him closer to me. I rested his head on my shoulder, the tears escaping his eyes, the sobs wracking his body. I stood still, allowing him to let go. As I held him, I noticed the sun starting to filter it's light through the vast amount of windows. He looked up, as if he noticed it to. He pulled me away from him. I expected the rejection that I had normally received from him. It didn't come.
"Thank you," he muttered. His eyes now cast down to the floor.
"I don't have any business asking, but do you want to tell me what is wrong?" I asked him, once again preparing myself for his reaction.
"It's you." The words were like daggers slicing my skin.
"Me," I choked. I stood frozen, unable to move. How could I be causing him such evident anguish? I didn't understand. The shock of his words show on my facial expressions. I looked at him, once again unable to understand what I was supposed to do.
He looked down and then up, our eyes again meeting. He took his hand and softly ran his fingers down my cheek. They lingered on my chin. He looked at me as though he knew me. "I should explain, but I don't know how," he whispered, his hand not moving.
I looked at him, my sympathy for this man that I did not know about to overtake my body. I placed my hand over his as it continued to caress my cheek. I wanted to comfort him.
He took a deep breath and started to talk, only to close his mouth. I could see in his eyes his inner battle to find the words. I didn't realize that it would be so hard for him. A couple of breaths later, he began to speak, the words coming out amid tears.
"I guess...I should start, oh I don't know where to start...let me just say that you remind me of someone, someone that I was extremely close to. When I saw you that night at the pool, I thought that I was seeing a ghost. You look so much like her, every time I see you, it's like my heart is once again torn open, and all of the memories come flooding back. I thought that I was finally getting over it, dealing with the loss and then I saw you, and I realized that I hadn't made any progress."
Tears ran down his face as I took him into my arms. He wrapped his arms around me tightly. I rubbed his back, hoping that the small gesture would bring him some solace. As I held him I noticed not for the first time how skinny he was. I could feel the outline of his ribs pressed against my stomach, I could trace every bone in his spine through his shirt. I wondered when the last time he ate. I assumed that he was naturally thin, but compared to the pictures that Johnny had left in my room my first night, it was clear that he had lost a substantial amount of weight since then. I stood holding him, when I felt him relax, his breathing became steady and his sobs ceased. It was apparent to me that he had fallen asleep. I shook him gently and he awoke.
"I'm sorry," he began but I interrupted him.
"Maybe you should go to bed, get some rest." I suggested.
The look that I know understood as grief returned to his eyes. "I can't go to bed." The words were a statement from a man defeated.
"Why not?" I inquired.
"That's the hardest part, laying in bed alone. I roll over and imagine her laying there. I imagine me holding her. I imagine everything that we were supposed to have. I can't go to bed, because when I lay there I feel as though the walls are caving in. I feel like I will suffocate. I can't bear that sensation. I feel utterly and totally alone."
"JC, do you want me to leave? Would that make this easier on you?" I asked the question that had been burning in my mind since he explained.
"No, you shouldn't leave. Blake, I have been unfair to you, and I am sorry. This is something that I have to deal with. It is affecting every aspect of my life. I just don't know what to do to ease the pain. Besides, the guys like you."
"Can I ask you a question," I started, cautiously.
"Of course," he replied.
"If I remind you of this person, then why did you chose for me to come here? I am sure that there were plenty of other people to chose from."
"I didn't know until you got here what you looked like. I never wanted to be involved with this whole thing in the first place. Johnny asked me my opinion and I told him that I didn't care. It's true that the last tour some of the guys got themselves into some trouble, but this is not the solution that I was expecting. Lance and I stayed out of it. That night at the pool, I didn't know that you were our new "personal assistant." I thought you were a mirage, I didn't expect to meet flesh when I bumped into you." He struggled with every word as it left his mouth.
"Well then, maybe I can help you." I grabbed his arm and pulled him off of the stool.
"What are you doing?" He inquired, though he made no move to stop me.
"Just come with me." I stated, pulling him out of the kitchen toward his room. I noticed that the door was shut, I wondered if that had something to do with my snooping earlier. I really didn't care at that point. I am not sure if I was thinking straight or if some other power, such as exhaustion, was controlling my actions, but I was determined that the man that stood by my side would sleep and I would help him to do that.