Lustful Memoirs
By: Gina - gina@basic-nstynct.com
Chapter Twenty ThreeI was left laying on the bed, my body overcome with need. Despite the fact that my body was worn from my orgasm, he had done nothing to satisfy me. As always I wanted more. I slowly rose from the bed, the feeling of JC’s hands on my skin still very fresh in my mind. I made my way into the bathroom and showered, preparing myself for my meeting with Johnny. I was still nervous about what he might want, but I wasn’t going to jump to conclusions, I was just going to wait until he told me. I finished my shower and dressed, picking a high collared sleeveless shirt to cover the marks. I applied my makeup and did my hair. I then descended the stairs looking for Johnny. As I entered the gallery, I heard the familiar music radiating from the studio. JC’s voice filled the room just below me and I thought back to moments prior when he and I lay on my bed. His voice also reminded me of the pages I still had to read. I hurriedly went to find Johnny so that I could get back to my room.
I entered the sun room and saw Johnny sitting at the table. My stomach turned as I prepared myself for his words. The feelings were similar to the ones I experienced the first time I met him, I didn’t know what to expect. I approached the table and sat across from him. He looked up from his newspaper and smiled at me. In that instant any nervousness I might have been feeling dissipated.
"JC tells me that you wanted to see me." I stated.
"Yeah, I just wanted to check in with you and make sure that everything is okay."
"Everything is fine," I replied, though I knew it wasn’t the truth, I had violated rules of not only our agreement but of moral life itself. I had in my possession the most private writings of one of my employers, this same man that I had allowed to sleep in my bed, to mar my skin, and to throw me into an emotional turmoil that I had never before experienced. I waved all of that away as I sat staring across the table at Johnny.
"I’m glad to hear that," He responded, "because Justin came to me yesterday worried about you." My stomach tied in knots at his words.
"He did," I stammered.
"Yes, he didn’t tell me why he thought something was wrong, he just wanted me to check on you and make sure that you were okay."
"I’m fine, Johnny, really I am. Everything is fine." As the words left my mouth, I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince more. Myself or Johnny. I had made my decision about JC, and it was too late to turn back. I was going to find out what consumed him during his every conscious thought, and I would do whatever it took to make sure that he found comfort. I was lost in my thoughts as Johnny spoke, I could see his mouth move, but his words didn’t make their way to my ears. Suddenly, I noticed him staring at me, expectantly. My face showed red with embarrassment as I had to confirm that I had not been listening.
"I’m sorry, Johnny. My mind is somewhere else." I couldn’t believe how distracted I had become, it seemed every time I let the image of the dark haired, blue-eyed man known as JC enter my thoughts, my brain turned to mush. His actions moments prior did nothing to help the situation, nor did the pain I saw deep within him each time I looked into his eyes. I knew I was going to have to get myself under control, and I was going to have to do it quickly, before someone found out what I was up to.
"Blake, this is precisely what Justin means about things not being right with you. I’ve never seen you distracted before, maybe it’s just that I don’t know you that well yet. But it is clearly evident that things are weighing heavily on your mind. I don’t have to know you that well in order to see that. I just want to make sure that it isn’t one of my boys that are causing you trouble."
His use of the words "my boys" made my heart swell. My feelings about this group had been confirmed over and over, they were family, and Johnny, in more ways then one, was the father figure for all of them. As I looked at him across the table, it wasn’t his concern for "his boys" that caught me off guard, it was the genuine concern that shown in his eyes for me. In all of my life, I don’t think that anyone had ever looked at me that way. I stammered to find a coherent thought, to find any words to say to him. I cleared my throat and glanced out the window. I saw Lance and Jen through the window, sitting on one of the lounge chairs. She sat between his outstretched legs as his arms encircled her body. Her head lay back on his shoulder as he placed soft kisses along her neck. The sun illuminated the two lovers. I smiled to myself, thinking, isn’t that what life should be like? To find that special someone, the one that would make the world right. I glanced back at Johnny, he too was observing Jen and Lance, a wistful expression etched on his face. As much as I hoped that he and I could sit and watch the couple for the remainder of the afternoon, I knew that he was not finished with the conversation that we had begun, and I was anxious to get back to my room.
I cleared my throat and broke the silence that hung in the air.
"Johnny," I began, "I assure you that none of "your boys", as you call them, are the cause of my distraction. I just have some things on my mind, but it has nothing to do with them and I can assure you that it will not interfere with my ability to perform the services that I have been hired to perform. However, it is obvious that one of your boys is troubled, and I am a bit concern by that, but it’s not my right or my business to worry about that. I am sure that one of his friends is helping him."
I sat in my chair, dumbfounded by the words that had just left my lips, had I really said that. I hadn’t meant to bring JC up in the conversation at all. It was not my intention to bring attention to his problem, or to make it known that I was concerned about it. I sat, staring intently at Johnny, wondering what his reaction to my statement would be.
"Blake, I can assure you that we are doing everything possible to help him. I must correct you on one point, however. It is your right and your business to worry about any one of them, you are part of the family now. Justin was worried about you, I am talking to you, making sure that you are okay. I worry about them, I worry about you. You are worried about them and they worry about you. We are a family, Blake, nothing less then that. If ever you need anything, or are concerned or worried, all you have to do is talk to me or one of them. We will do anything in our power to help you."
I wasn’t sure how to respond. My emotions swelled in my throat. I had never been part of a family. Never had I been around people that genuinely cared about each other, never had I been cared about. I had to excuse myself. Johnny gave me a knowing smile, as I stood to leave. I couldn’t speak. He understood. I left the sun room on my way to my room.
Once inside the confines of my room, I let the emotions go. It was a mixture of joy, sadness, hope and regret. I glanced to the desk drawer that held the pages I had Xeroxed the day before. Guilt washed over me. If I was to get to know this man better, I had to do it in an honest way. I rose from the sofa, and made my way to the desk. Using the key, I unlocked the drawer. I picked the papers up, ripping them into the tiniest of pieces, I destroyed them and dropped them in the waste basket. Taking a deep breath, I felt relief, but also frustration. How was I going to find out what ailed him now? I needed a plan, and maybe some help. The night was Monday, maybe I could recruit the help that I needed.