Lustful Memoirs
By: Gina - gina@basic-nstynct.com
Chapter Twenty NineI sat, frozen, my body numb. The resemblance was uncanny. I stared at the picture, my fingers trembling, for the face that stared back at me was my own. Was this possible? How could this be? Many questions ran through my head, none of which I had any explanation for. I knew now why he was startled by my appearance, this girl, the one that had caused him so much pain looked exactly like me, or I looked exactly like her, I wasn’t sure which. I turned to him. He looked at me with a knowing, understanding gaze.
"Blake, I’m ready to talk about her." He muttered, the words barely audible. "But I don’t know where to start. Her name is Renee. We were together for a long time, almost 2 years, then she was gone without a word, without a trace. I’ve searched for her and searched for her, never giving up, that night when I saw you by the pool I thought I was dreaming. I went to talk to Johnny right away. He assured me that you couldn’t be her, he told me of your background, and he told me what he knows about you. But as you can see from the picture, I was shaken. I was almost there, I was almost ready to admit to myself that she was gone, then I saw you and all of the emotions poured into my heart again. I’ve called the police, but they have no interest in this case, because she has a history of doing this, but each time before she has come back. She gets bored with whatever adventure captured her interest and she returns, but this time it’s been 6 months with no sign of her. The police have issued a missing person’s report and that’s as far as that has gone. I’ve hired private investigators, but each one returns with no information. I can’t explain the resemblance that you and her share, but look for yourself, you could be twins."
I looked at him, still completely shaken, first by the image that he carried around in his wallet, and secondly by his openness. I didn’t know how to respond, words could not be formed. His face was strickened with sadness, his eyes glazed over with hurt. How could some one walk away from him and not return? How was it possible that this Renee person and I looked so much alike? Why would Johnny and the other members of the group bring me here to spend time with them when they must have known how he would respond? There were many questions to be asked and many answers to be found. But at that moment, my heart swelled, the beautiful creature that sat beside me had the same questions, but the answers meant far more to him. Wanting to comfort him, but knowing that I couldn’t form the words, I turned to face him directly and pulled him into my arms. He resisted at first, and then relaxed, letting his head rest on my shoulder. I caressed his back, feeling the rippled muscles beneath the shirt that he wore, feeling the bones that formed his rib cage. My brain consumed with thought, my heart consumed with the worst emotion I could imagine...love.
Thirty minutes had passed as we finally parted. He looked at me, the look in his eye apparent to me for the first time, every time he looked at me, he didn’t see me, he saw her. My heart broke in that realization. I couldn’t love this man. In that moment, I hated myself, for I had let this happen. Never get involved with a client, never become their friend, do what you are paid to do and then leave them, and the number one rule, never, ever, develop feelings for them, if you start to feel that happening, stay away from them. Marie’s words repeated over and over in my head. I had made a mistake, the biggest mistake someone in my line of work could make. But it was time to make it right, no matter how hard it was. I had to help this man find the answers that he needed, I needed to find the answers that I needed and then I needed to return home, letting him continue with his life and I continue with mine. I looked to the ground and then back at him, then returned my eyes to the water. The water was calm, lapping at the shore. An antithesis to my own self, full of thunderous thoughts and feelings, full of contradictions and uncertainties. I grabbed JC’s hand as we looked at the water together, I wondered what feelings he had, I wondered what he was thinking. I made no attempt to question him, he had already shared more with me then I think he was comfortable sharing, I didn’t want to push him. But there would come a time when I would have to. We continued to sit in silence, watching the setting sun cast everything around us in hues of orange and red. Alarm and panic ran through me, the sun was going down. What time could it possibly be? I had a date with Justin. I glanced over at JC, he looked serene, almost content, lost in thought. I hated to disturb him, but I would be returning to LA a lot sooner then I wanted to if I didn’t get back to Johnny’s.
"JC," I began, my words timid, forming slowly, "I need to get back to Johnny’s."
The sound of my voice woke him from his daze and his eyes once again clouded over with sorrow. My heart ached. He shook his head in the affirmative and rose from the bench, stretching as he stood. I followed suit. He muttered not a sound. I think that he was out of words to speak. We walked slowly to his Jeep. My brain and heart in solid contradiction. I didn’t want to leave him, not for the night, not forever, I wanted to ease his pain, I wanted to be the person he so lovingly wrote about in his journal. I wanted him to have those feelings for me, I couldn’t explain it, I couldn’t understand how I could be so enamored with him in the short time that I had known him. Letting those thoughts go, I climbed in the Jeep and readied myself for the long ride home and the angry nineteen year old that was sure to meet me once I arrived there.
We rode for what seemed an eternity in silence, when suddenly he reached out and turned on the radio. He glanced at me quickly as he did so.
"You don’t mind," he asked, "do you?"
"Not at all," was all I could mutter in reply.
Twenty minutes more past as the soft music resonated throughout interior of the truck. Without warning, he pulled the truck over to the shoulder of the road and shut it off.
"I can’t go back there right now, Blake." He stated, his voice cracking.
My thoughts raced, my mind in debate. I had plans with Justin, I was being paid to be with Justin, then it dawn on me that I was being paid to be with JC too. Was it my fault that one of my employers kept me out so long that I was late for an appointment with another. I had a justifiable excuse and Justin would just have to deal with it.
"Then we don’t have to go back right now." I said, attempting to keep my voice soft and soothing, yet professional and uncaring. I’m not sure that it worked. I was tempted to once again remind him that he was the boss and we would do whatever he wanted. But I didn’t say it. "Where do you want to go?" I questioned.
I watched as he took a deep breath, noticing for the first time that it was raining. When did that start, I questioned. I had been so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t realize the drops splattering onto the roof of the Jeep, I didn’t notice the white rays of lightening streaking the sky, or the loud turbulent rolls of the thunder. I did notice the man sitting mere inches from me as he took another breath and turned the ignition. The Jeep roared to life and pulled back onto the road. It wasn’t clear to me where he was headed but I wasn’t concerned by it, he was in control, because he was my boss and because he consumed my heart. After ten minutes of quiet silence, he made a right and the vehicles tires met dirt, not asphalt. My mind peeked with interest regarding our location. The Jeep lurched and staggered over the tough terrain, the headlights illuminating the path before us. The further on the road we traveled, the more embedded in the trees we became, until suddenly, we couldn’t go any further. Except for the small path leading out the way we had come in, we were surrounded by lush, green foliage on all sides. I sat, continuing to be unsure of where we were or what he wanted to do. He grabbed my hand and I glanced at him. Our eyes met and he looked away, then slowly turned his head to meet my gaze again.
"Do you mind the rain?" He asked, his voice soft, whispered.
"No." I answered.
"Let’s take a walk." With those words, he opened his door and got out of the Jeep. I followed his actions. I climbed out of the jeep, my shoes meeting the softness of moistened dirt, my face and hair becoming wet by the lingering drops of the storm falling from the skies and the surrounding trees. I shivered slightly, only to be warmed to the core as he wrapped his strong arms around me. He lifted me into the air and over a small puddle of water. He then placed me back on the ground, my body rejected his absence. His fingers interlaced with mine as he pulled me down a small path lit up by the Jeep’s strong headlights. He obviously knew where he was going. Walking several feet, we came to an opening in the overgrowth. The lights from the jeep only strong enough to make a small portion of our surroundings visible. Even so, I gasped by what I saw, sprawled out before us was a small lake, surrounded by the trees. The surface of the water danced as the small drops of rain hit its surface before becoming a part of it. The grass was high around my ankles wetting my feet. He turned to look at me.
"This is a place is beautiful, peaceful, quiet." He whispered.
"You aren’t too cold, are you?" He asked. I stood motionless, awestruck, not believing that so many exquisite places existed in one small area.
"Blake, are you okay?"
I smiled, "yes, I’m okay." I answered. "This place is beautiful, I was just surprised by how many breathtaking places existed in this small area. "Where exactly are we?"
He smiled, "we’re at Johnny’s. You said you needed to get back so I brought you back."
I put my head down and laughed.
"We can go to the house if you need to, or if you want to, or if it’s too cold out here for you." He stated, I smiled bittersweet at his concern, knowing it was not for me but for the image of the woman he loved.
"No, this is fine, it’s lovely out here."
"There are some benches just down the way there," he said, pulling my hand so that I would follow him. "I’m sorry that they are wet."
"It’s fine, JC. Do you come down here often?"
The word yes was his only answer.
"It’s so peaceful, so unlike the real world." I heard him whisper but he wasn’t talking to me. I had to agree with him though, the place was surreal, I could see why it would be so comforting. We sat for several minutes, I could hear the birds singing their lullabies, and the leaves on the trees whispering their harmonies as the wind danced through them. The smell of the fresh rain mixed with the water of the lake permeated our surroundings, making me drunk with its scent. Though I could see very little, the beauty was not lost. All my other senses were on fire, especially touch. Letting go of everything that I knew to be wrong between us, I put my hand on his knee. I felt his body move beneath my touch, and without warning of what was to come but knowing full well it was coming, his lips met mine.