Lustful Memoirs
By: Gina - gina@basic-nstynct.com
Chapter Thirty FourThank God, finally a day off, I thought to myself as I lounged on my bed the next morning. The last two days had been a whirlwind of activity, and although my body was sore, but satisfied, I was happy for the time to myself. I laid in bed until almost noon, planning my activities for the next two days. The tour was due to start on Saturday and never having been involved with one before, my first plan of action was to find Johnny. I would then take care of packing and preparing for the upcoming travel. My next goal was to find Joey and ask him about Renee. I had to start finding some answers, and soon. The hectic schedule that was due to start in two days would not help my cause one bit, so I had to at least have a game plan by then. Satisfied that I had worked out my plans for the day, I dragged myself out of bed. I entered the shower and let the warm water envelope me, working the tension out of my overused muscles.
Stepping out of the shower a good forty-five minutes later, I felt refreshed. I dressed casually, applying minimal makeup and pulling my hair up in a makeshift ponytail. I was pulling the last strands of hair into the barrette when I heard a knock at my door. Groaning at the thought of who could possibly be on the other side, I opened the door. Justin stood before me, a white shirt adorned his chest, falling to cover most of the upper part of his navy cargo pants. His shoes as always matched his outfit.
"Hey, Blake." He started the conversation, friendly enough. "I have to run to the mall and was wondering if you would like to accompany me. I have to buy some stuff for the road."
The invitation was casual, friendly. I accepted. "Sure, Justin, I have to go to the mall anyway. I know that I have stuff to buy that I will need to take with me, only I have no idea what. The only problem is, I can’t leave right now. I have to talk to Johnny first. But if you give me an hour, I’ll tag along with you."
"That’s cool, by me. Sounds like a plan." He stated. "Johnny’s down in his room, you know the one by the pool. I’ll meet you out in the car port in an hour." He smiled, glanced at his watch, turned and started to walk away, before turning back to add, "And, Blake, don’t keep me waiting this time." He laughed as he walked away. I watched him disappear down the hallway shaking my head.
I found Johnny exactly as Justin had stated, sitting in his chair in the glass room. I entered the room and he raised his head to greet me.
"Johnny, you got a minute?" I asked, taking the seat across from him.
"Sure, do. What’s on your mind?"
"I’m just going to be forward about this," I started, knowing that I was going to look like a fool, "what the hell am I supposed to pack for this tour?"
Johnny smiled. "Just make sure you bring everything you will need to last you for two weeks, clothes, comfortable shoes, toiletries, things like that. There will be people available to do the laundry and to run to the store to buy you anything that you need, but the first two weeks are the most hectic. So if you pack enough stuff to get you through those two weeks, the rest of the tour should coast. And the other thing you might want to do is to talk to one of the guys. They’ve been doing this for a long time, they know all the tricks."
"Thanks, Johnny," I replied, "for once again saving me."
Johnny chuckled, "that’s my job. Oh, by the way, here is the tour itinerary, everything you need to know about your schedule and theirs is in that book. You have any questions, find Melinda, she travels with the guys, she’ll take care of you."
I wrapped my hands around the book, thanked Johnny again and then headed back to my room. As I opened the door, a million questions that I had meant to ask Johnny came blazing into my mind, ‘oh, well,’ I thought to myself, ‘I’ll just ask Justin.’
I laid the tour itinerary on my bed, and glanced at the clock. I decided that I should go see if Justin was ready. If so, I rationalized, we could leave early. I searched for him through the house, not finding him. Realizing that the only place I hadn’t yet looked was the studio. I descended the steps, stopping when I heard noises. I stood frozen, I recognized the voices. One belonged to Justin, the other to JC. At first it seemed as though they were having a casual conversation, but as I listened more closely I realized that they were arguing, their tone angry. I strained to hear, only making out a few words here and there. Then their words became crystal clear, their anger consuming both of them as their voices rose.
"It’s time for you to move on. She’s gone and I for one am glad. She did nothing but hurt you and hurt us as a group and your still too fucking stubborn to realize it. Your attitude since you started going out with her has, in a word, sucked. You don’t realize the number of people affected by this. She’s gone, JC, do you hear me, gone. She isn’t coming back, and I don’t care if Blake looks like her or not, Blake’s not going anywhere. You can’t fire her, I won’t let you." Justin’s voice echoed off the walls. I doubled over, sitting on the steps, willing myself to remain still and not make a noise. Eavesdropping on private conversation was bad enough, but eavesdropping when they are talking about you, is the worst.
I could hear JC’s intake of air as he started to counter Justin’s incensed words. "You just don’t understand, do you?" He asked Justin the rhetorical question. "You are such a selfish, heartless bastard. There is only one fucking person in your life that matters Justin, and that’s you. No one else. Can you not remove your head from your ass for a minute and think about me. Think about how looking at her everyday effects me. I don’t give a damn what your feelings toward her are, just as you don’t give a damn about my feelings. I don’t want her here, the site of her tears my heart out. Justin, you have a fucking choice to make, you can get rid of your whore and find a new one, or you can lose your best friend and you can find another person to sing in this stupid fucking group."
"You know what, your words don’t mean a damn thing to me, JC, because you don’t mean any of it. And one day, when your head is out of her ass you will realize it. I was the one that was there for you when she left. It was me that picked you up off the floor. It was me that you came to. It was me that smoothed everything over with the other guys, with management, with your family. Me, JC, Me. Not her. For you to call me a selfish, heartless bastard is just wrong. Look in the mirror JC, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle. And you know what else, I can’t lose my best friend, because he’s been gone for a long time. The day she walked into your life is the day you walked out of mine. And you can’t threaten me by walking out on this group. You want to leave, go. Because this group is the most important thing in the world to me, and it’s falling apart in its current formation. And it’s because of you. You walk around with this uptight attitude, everyone is afraid to make a mistake, everyone’s uncomfortable and it’s not fun anymore. We don’t need someone that is so lost in their own fucked up misery that they can’t see what’s important for the group any more. I used to empathize with you JC. I knew how you felt about her, and though I didn’t like her I supported your feelings. But when you made her the most important thing in your life, forsaking everything else in the process, I could no longer support that. And now, she’s gone and she has been for a long time, and still she’s number one. Well, that’s bullshit. Like I said, you want to leave the group, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. We’ll survive, we’ve survived so much already. Will it be the same? No. Will we miss you? We already miss the person you once were. I just hope that if you make this decision today to turn your back on every fucking thing you, I, we have worked so damn hard for, for her, I hope that you don’t regret it later. Because there will be no going back. I won’t be here to Band-Aid the wounds that you cause any more. I’m through. And as far as Blake is concerned, she’s going no where, you need a majority vote to fire someone, and I can’t imagine you getting that. And one other thing, you call her a whore again, and you won’t have to make a decision about singing in this group, because I’ll tear your fucking vocal chords out."
I listened intently, unable to pull myself away, as each word was spoken, drawn from deep within him. Silence surrounded them now, filling the air like humidity on a warm summer evening, making it difficult to breathe. I sat frozen, my body unwilling to move as my mind tried to comprehend the verbal assault that had just taken place. I felt my pulse beat against my temple forcing the much-needed oxygen to my brain. My hands trembled, my body shook, my lips started to quiver, as the years of forcing myself to feel nothing came crashing down around me. I buried my head in my hands willing the long forgotten emotions to go away. I tried to suppress the lump in my throat as the tears stung the back of my eyes. I was temporarily saved from the onslaught of pent up emotions by the sound of the studio door creaking open. I pulled all the strength I could muster to raise myself from my perch on the steps, knowing that I needed to. I didn’t want either of them to know that I had been listening, and I certainly didn’t want them to find me in the emotional state I was in. I climbed the five steps as quickly and as quietly as I could. I entered the gallery, not a question in my mind as to where I was headed. I ran through the house, up the steps and into the confines of my room. Slamming and shutting the door behind me. I leaned against the wooden structure for support, I felt my resolve start to give way. It was then that it happened, the feelings held at bay for so long consumed me, I was no longer able to control them. I lowered myself, my back scratching against the door, collapsing on the floor. I pulled my legs tight to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. My mind failing it’s futile attempt to stave off the feelings. It wasn’t to happen. My only hope was to comfort myself, as my hands rubbed up and down my legs, trying in vain to console. I couldn’t fight anymore, the desertion, the feelings of being unwanted, the loneliness, they consumed me and the tears began stinging my face in a way that I hadn’t allowed in five years. The sobs rose violently, my stomach turned nauseous, and the tears flowed like a flooding river threatening to destroy anything in their path, they were destroying me. Five years of strength and resolve broken by the utterance of one single solitary word.