Lustful Memoirs
By: Gina - gina@basic-nstynct.com
Chapter Forty TwoI turned to face him, no longer caring about the tears, no longer caring about the way he could look into my eyes and see straight into my soul, no longer caring.
"Blake," his tone soft, whispered right next to my ear. "What’s wrong? If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen. If you don’t want to, that’s okay, too. But I won’t let you run from me when something is obviously bothering you."
I took a sniffled breath, how could I explain to him, how could I make him understand. Why would I want to? Two more sniffled breaths and I collapsed into his chest. His hands immediately stroked my back as he held me, tears moistened his shirt, causing it to cling to his skin, but this went unnoticed. He whispered soothing words into my ear, one hand leaving my back to cradle my face to get lost in my hair, to try desperately to console me. I shivered in his arms, even though I felt warm and safe, as if the arms he wrapped around me had become every protective barrier that had crumbled moments before. The greatest fear and the most exhilarating experience I have ever known, stood right in front of me. The person that I wanted desperately to be protected from, was now doing the protecting. We stood, only tiny movements causing our bodies to shift. My sobbing slowed as his gentle words and embraces continued. I was still lost in the throws of emotional turmoil when I felt him lift me in his arms. Attention was not paid as he scaled the steps, however reality came crashing around me as he lowered me onto his bed. He must have sensed my tension, for he pulled his body from mine, his right hand still cupping my chin, keeping the physical connection between us. As his eyes met mine the emotional connection was made as well.
"Blake," he began to speak, the need to explain what he was feeling so acutely reflected in his eyes I felt as if I could reach and grab it, "relax, nothing is going to happen. You don’t understand. This isn’t my attempt to seduce you, I had absolutely no intention of sleeping with you tonight. I don’t have sex with my friends. And that’s what we are, that’s what we have become. You have to let me explain this to you, because up until a few minutes ago when you ran from my room, I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea what had caused my actions. But now the reasons are so crystal clear, nothing clouds them. This whole relationship that we have started out as management’s attempt to get me to do what they wanted. At first I was happy to oblige, fine they want to hire me someone to..." He paused, unwilling to say the words.
"Anyway," He continued. "as time went on, and I learned things about you, it wasn’t like that anymore. I wanted to spend time with you, I wanted to have fun with you, I wanted to be your friend, and the only way I knew how to do that, was under the guise of your employment. I’m sorry that I used you that way. I’m sorry that things weren’t different. But I’m more sorry that you are leaving. You’ve made me feel like myself for the first time in, oh hell, I can’t remember the last time. You accepted me, every part of me, even the parts that I’m sorry to admit are there. You challenged me, Blake, you never cowered, I’m not used to woman reacting to me that way. You couldn’t care less from the day I met you about who I am, that doesn’t happen to me anymore. You know why I act the way I do, because people let me. Isn’t that disgusting? People will put up with my cockiness, yet I have no reason to be cocky. People will put up with my temper and my anger, they will put up with anything, because I am fucking Justin Timberlake from Nsync. Don’t you see, that’s not who I am, that’s only the stupid persona people want me to be. Who I truly am would scare the hell out of every single fan we have. I’m anything but confident, I rehearse over and over, long after everyone else is gone, because I have to be perfect, I can’t afford failure, it would hurt the group, it would let the people around me down, so I can’t do it. I can’t act like the screwball that I really am, I can’t act my age, because with my age comes certain things that this Pop Prince just should not do. I’m sick of pretending and with you I didn’t have to."
"Blake, I didn’t bring you up to my room because I want to sleep with you, though everything about you keeps me up late at night, I brought you here because you have had an exhausting day. I don’t know what has happened, I don’t know what is wrong with you, but all I was hoping to do tonight was to get your mind off of it, to help you to relax. I don’t know if I’ve done any of that, or made it worse. If it’s the latter, then I am truly sorry. But tonight, we went out as friends, right now, at this moment, you don’t work for me, in my heart you stopped working for me days ago. The time we have spent together recently is because I wanted to spend time with you, I wanted to get to know you better, I wanted to try and make you happy. You are here because I want you to be my friend, and I wanted to see my friend laugh, I wanted to see my friend barrel her go-kart into the hay barriers, I wanted to see my friend eat chocolate ice cream until her stomach hurt. I wanted my friend to be comfortable. I brought you up here, not to seduce you, but because you need to rest, you are emotionally and physically drained, and it’s the only thing I knew how to do. This is the most comfortable bed in the entire house, and I want you to sleep here. I’m going to sleep in one of the guest bedrooms, but I’m not leaving you until I’m sure that you are sound asleep.
I couldn’t speak but the tears stopped. Amazement at his words shown in every cell of my body. My mouth hung open, my eyes never moved from his. The one time I tried to stop him from talking he placed one finger on my lip and quieted me. And now as I observed him, that bottom lip of his found it’s way between his teeth, his eyes showed the worry of my reaction, his feelings so raw, so exposed, he was now afraid of what I would do with the knowledge he had given me. I couldn’t speak, so I did the only thing that I thought I could do to convey what I was feeling to him. I, timidly leaned toward him, placing my lips upon his, placing my arms around him. I kissed him gently, tenderly, not a lustful kiss, not a kiss with the promise of something more, only a kiss to tell him thank you, for being him. He lowered me onto the bed, his arms still around me. I found my self snuggled into the v shape of his arm and shoulder, one of my arms laying underneath me the other tracing designs across his chest. We laid there silent for several minutes, I felt my breathing become rhythmic and my eyes close, that’s when I felt him stir. I reached out to grab him.
"Justin, please hold me, don’t go." I said the words, every ounce of desperation pouring through them. I couldn’t let him go that night, it would be my last night with him, and I wanted to savor the touch of him, the feel of him, the feel of being warmed in his arms. I wanted to memorize every sensation, every nuance that was him, so that I could take a part of him with me when I left the next day.