Lustful Memoirs
By: Gina - gina@basic-nstynct.com
Chapter Forty FourWe arrived at Johnny’s, the drive silent, each of us thinking over the past 24 hours, secrets shared, feelings revealed. It was a comfortable silence. He parked the truck outside the front door of the house that had been my home for almost 2 weeks. Then he turned to me.
"Are you sure this is what you want to do?" He glanced at me, knowing what my answer would be yet, he couldn’t help but to ask the question. I knew that as I looked at him, he needed my reassurance one final time.
"This is what I have to do Justin. I have to go home and get my life together. You have shown me that my life is worth that much, that I am worth that much. I have a rocky couple of months ahead of me, but I will be okay."
"What can I do to help?"
"You have already helped in more ways then you can ever imagine. I needed to do this alone, for me."
"I understand, I only wish, nevermind." He didn’t have to finish, I knew the words that were to come, I also knew that he understood.
"I’m going to go find, Johnny, you my friend," I used the word purposefully and as I had hoped, he smiled, "had better finish packing."
We exited the vehicle, he came around to the passenger side, placed his arms around me and hugged me. This was good-bye, this was the end, I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. There was no reason to, I was sure that we would meet again, not as we had this time, but as two normal people in the normal throws of life. And with that hope, I walked away from him.
I found Johnny in the same position I had the day before. I greeted him with a smile. He returned the greeting, offered me a late breakfast, which I declined. I sat on the chair across from him, took a deep breath, glanced out by the pool to find Lance and Jen absorbing the sun and absorbed by each other. The vision no longer created a bittersweet feeling, I smiled, they were happily in love, and I was finally able to be happy for them.
"Johnny," I began, "Have you been in contact with Marie this morning?"
"No, why?"
"I guess she has in fact left it for me to do. Johnny, I am leaving. I’m returning to LA. I’ve called Marie and she is finding someone to replace me. The person should be here tonight. It’s been a pleasure working with you for the short time that I have been here. I’m sure that my replacement will be more then adequate."
I finished, the words that I had thought would be so hard to say flowed off my lips with ease. I watched Johnny’s reaction, his face masked with emotion, I’m sure it was confusion. To him and everyone, except Justin and I, this would seem sudden, without warning, but I no longer cared. I would miss them, some much more then others, yet this is the best thing for me, and it was what I needed to do.
"Well, Blake" Johnny began to speak, "that certainly isn’t good news. All the guys like you."
I almost choked as the words left his mouth, thinking of JC as I did, if he only knew how that particular member of the group felt about me. Unfortunately, without my wanting him to, he noticed my reaction to his words, the momentary thought of JC that lingered on my face that I was too slow to mask. It could only lead to one question. I held my breath as he asked.
"Did one of them do something that is making you leave? Was it Justin?" The first inquiry I expected, the second I did not. I lost all reserve. Anger built up inside me in a course of a few minutes. How could this man, that claimed to know them so well, even think that Justin had anything to do with my leaving.
"Why would you jump to that conclusion?" The sound of my voice surprised my own ears.
"Well, I know how hard Justin can be to get along with." Johnny issued the remark innocently, as if I was to agree with him. But that was not to be the case.
Something inside me exploded with his words. Protectiveness like I had never known overwhelmed me. I could not believe him, I could not believe that he would think such a thing about someone so sweet, so loving, so tender, so absolutely wonderful as Justin. As my Justin, well at least he was mine for one night, and in that time I had become his protector, he had become mine and though we were to part shortly, his imprints in my life would never be forgotten. I tried to hold back the anger, the rage that threatened to pour but it was no use. Johnny had said something unjust about the man that meant more to me then anything else the cold world had to offer, and I wasn’t about to let it slide. I drew in a deep breath, the words already formed, awaiting the signal for their release. One look back at Johnny and his smug smile and the raging storm flowed.
"Obviously, Johnny," I began, doing nothing to mask the emotion filling my voice. For once I wanted someone to see what was so damn obvious. I wanted them to feel for him what I did, to see the boy hidden in the man, to see his insecurities, to have them want to console and comfort him just as I wanted to do and would be unable to do. I continued, the words losing none of the harshness, "you don’t know a damn thing about him, or any of them for that matter. Let me tell you this, Justin is one of the most sensitive caring men I have ever met. I can’t believe for an instant that you, the person who’s supposed to be their family, the person who’s supposed to know them, could even insinuate that Justin had anything to do with my leaving. You don’t know him, do you? You don’t know that he has this deep sensitivity, you don’t know that he hangs on everyone’s word waiting for their approval, you don’t know that he’s so passionate about this group, he would give up his best friend for it, you don’t know that every ounce of criticism he has ever heard in his life lingers with him, always forcing him to do better, he always wants to please, always wants to make everyone around him happy. He’s 19 fucking years old Johnny, 19. He should be out going to parties, hanging with his friends, cutting class, but no Johnny, that’s not what he’s doing. He’s here everyday, practicing long and hard, making sure that he lets no one down, not you, not his family, not that prick he calls a best friend. He’s making all of your asses rich. He can’t even have a normal relationship with a girl. You and management squelch his every interest, hire him a fucking hooker to show him some affection. And why do you do this? I’ll fucking tell you why? Because all the teenyboppers like him, he sells the fucking records, sure, some of the fans buy the albums because they like the music, or they like Joey’s charisma, or Chris’ crazy ways, or Lance’s bashfulness, or JC’s whatever, but the majority buy it for him, for his voice, his eyes, his lips, his smile, his personality, his body, even his god damn hair, and what does he get from you, and that asshole friend of his? I’ll tell you what he gets, nothing but shit. You think that he’s the reason I’m leaving, you better reexamine your group Johnny. Because there is one member that needs a fucking attitude adjustment but it isn’t Justin."
I stormed out the room, leaving no room for rebuttal. My breathing was faster then I would have liked, my heart beating so rapidly that I was sure it would rip it’s way past my ribs and out of my chest. I couldn’t keep my emotions, the anger, the rage, the sorrow, from pouring over for one second more, the tears begun, tears that were different in every way then any of those I had shed, for these tears weren’t for me, they were for him and the world in which he lived. I longed to take him with me, put him in my carryon and keep him safe from everything, from the ever growing pressure put on him, from the very friends that were supposed to care for him, from himself. But I couldn’t let him do that for me, and I couldn’t do it for him. But somewhere deep inside of both of us, we would be able to move forward separately, held secure by the thought that somewhere in the cold, harsh world, someone genuinely cared for us, the real us, just Justin and Blake, just as he had we would be the night before.
Consumed in my thoughts, my head down to the floor, my hands continuing to push away the tears, I didn’t notice the figure standing in front of me, until I suddenly crashed into the hardness of JC’s body. My eyes rose to meet his, of all the people that occupied the earth he was the last one I had any desire to see. His eyes were hard, his face pulled back in rage. The tears subsided in an instant and I matched his expression, wondering briefly what he could possibly be pissed off about. I shrugged it to the side, not caring. I was leaving, he got what he wanted, the whore, that reminded him everyday of what he lost, was going back to LA. I pushed past him, only to find his hand grab my arm, hard. I turned toward him.
"Get your fucking hands off of me." I commanded, ripping from his grasp.
"What the hell was that all about?" He questioned me.
"What?" I questioned, not having any idea what he was talking about.
"Your conversation with Johnny, what the hell was that about." His voice raised a little, his blue eyes held the fire of his anger.
My rage once again ignited. "If you were eavesdropping then I guess you could figure out what it was about. I’m leaving. Now, if you’ll leave me the hell alone, I can finish packing."
"You should fucking apologize to him. He’s not done one damn thing to you and you treat him this way? What gives you the right?"
"Fuck you, JC. I don’t have to explain my actions to you or anyone else for that matter. You heard what he said about Justin, and if you were the kind of friend to that boy that you pretend to be, you would have been just as pissed off as I was at the insinuation Johnny made. Now, excuse me."
I turned, not looking back, not caring about the shocked, pained expression that lingered on his face. I hope it hurt, I hope it woke him up, he had no idea how much the deterioration of his friendship with Justin had affected Justin. He had no idea how much the younger man needed him, I only wished that I could give JC back to Justin before I left, but I knew that wasn’t possible, but maybe with my leaving, JC could once again heal. And maybe, if I put together the mystery of this woman that held my image, I could bring JC closure. If for only one reason, that reason being to bring JC back to Justin.
I made my way to my room, thankfully not running into anyone else on the way. I slammed the door as I entered. I used the rest of my rage as energy to throw my belongings haphazardly into the suitcase. Satisfied that I had remembered everything, I lowered myself to the bed and glanced around the room. So much had happened in such a short period of time, I sighed. I would be back in LA by the end of the day, and it was then I would start putting my life back together. I was finally ready for that challenge.
I heard the knock on the door, fully expecting it to be Jeff on the other side. I hollered a quick "come in" as I once again glanced around the room, making sure that I had packed everything.