Lustful Memoirs
By: Gina - gina@basic-nstynct.com
Chapter Fifty OneI sat in the chair. The one I had occupied since Joey left. My fingers twisted nervously around each other, my heart pounded, my pulse raced. I couldn’t think of the words to say to him, I couldn’t just tell him that I decided that I loved him and that I saw thirty shades of green when I saw him and his cousin in the lobby. His cousin, what an asshole I had just made of myself. Part of me wanted to rise from my seat, dart through the door, to the elevator and leave, not wanting to face the humiliation that was sure to come. I knew I couldn’t do it. I had spent the last three weeks getting my life together, making plans for my future, deciding what I wanted, and in the space of one night, the only thing I was unsure of became perfectly clear. I heard his words, those loving caring words he told me the last day we spent together, the day that seemed to stretch for hours and hours, the day that I didn’t want to end. But would my words be enough? Could I possibly make him understand not only the reasons that I had to return to work, but also the reason that I just treated him so badly, so carelessly?
I heard the door open, my body forgetting how to breathe, I sat still, unmoving, unsure of what to do. I raised my eyes and glanced at him. It was my undoing. He was dressed for bed, fresh from a shower, rivets of water trickled from his matted curls to run down his face, his fingers wiping them away. A white undershirt hung snuggly against his skin, leading to his flannel pants. His feet were covered with white socks, but otherwise bare. The scent of his shampoo, his cologne, him radiated through the room, making it still harder to breathe. His eyes shown a myriad of emotions, some I could determine, others I could not. Frustration, confusion, hurt, sadness, anger all pooled in the deep blue depths. Caring, concern, compassion, love were absent. His mouth held in the stern, you can’t get in, protective stance. I longed to go to him, put my arms around him, apologize profusely and have him accept. But those actions would have been inappropriate, everything in his demeanor screamed, "stay away, you are not welcome." The thought broke my heart, I had seen him that final day in Orlando, really seen him, when every protective barrier had been stripped away and all that was left was the beautiful caring creature beneath, I had seen him, he had allowed me too. But, in the dimly lit nameless hotel room, I could see none of it. I could see his shell, hard, guarding and unyielding. I didn’t think I had the strength to get through, how was I supposed to penetrate it when I was the one that had erected it.
I took a couple of long, cleansing breaths, before rising from my chair to stand in front of him.
"I sure as hell made an ass of myself, didn’t I?" I glanced at him, giving him the most apologetic smile I could muster. It had no effect.
"Blake," my name was whispered from his lips, almost inaudibly. "What do you want? Joey said you wanted to talk to me."
"I wanted to apologize, Justin. You didn’t deserve the words that I said. I didn’t mean them."
"It wasn’t the words, Blake." A caustic tone as he said my name. "It was so much more then your words." His voice rose. "Words, I can deal with. My momma taught me a long time ago, "sticks and stones..." It wasn’t the words. It was your insinuations, your beliefs that I could be like that. I thought that you knew me, thought that you at least knew me well enough to know that I couldn’t be like that. But I guess I was wrong. You don’t know a damn thing about me, and apparently I don’t know a fucking thing about you. You had the opportunity to get out of this business. Don’t you understand that? To live your life the way you want to, to not do this. But I guess JC was right all along."
His words bit, grabbing me and not letting go, engulfing me in a searing pain. I shrugged it way, preparing myself for the further onslaught that I was sure would ensue. He was hurt, this I knew, and he was expressing his pain. I would allow him to do that, for I had caused it.
"Justin, you don’t understand." My voice faltered slightly, I paused briefly before continuing. My mind raced, frantic, I had to get through to him. "You don’t understand anything at all."
"I don’t understand, you’re damn right Blake, I don’t fucking understand. I thought you were something that I guess you are not. Fuck, how could I have been so wrong?"
I stared directly into his cold blue eyes. A cold so bone chilling, it made me shiver, where I had once found warmth, there was only ice. I kept his gaze, unwilling to let it go, wanting him to understand every word I was about to say. I prepared myself, stripped away the protective cover.
"I don’t know Justin. I just don’t fucking know. You saw things in me that I never saw. When I left you in Orlando, don’t you think I wanted to turn back, stay in the safe haven that you and your house provided? It would have been so easy, to collapse in your arms, let you care for me, and let you be strong for me. It would have been so easy, and yet so wrong. It would have been a short-term solution to a long-term problem. Don’t you see that? It would have been fine for awhile, but then the doubts would surface. My own self doubts, that you saw something in me that just didn’t exist. That it would only be a short time before you realized how wrong you were, that I wasn’t the person you thought me to be. I wouldn’t have been able to stand it Justin. I had to leave, had to put my life back together, had to see for myself who I really was, when I wasn’t just my profession, the whore hired to fulfill fantasies and wet dreams. I had to do this for me. Had to determine if I could. I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and not see the insecurities, not see all of the flaws, to only see what you saw, a person who so badly needed love, she was willing to get it in two hour stretches with nameless men."
He reached out and placed a hand on my arm, his mouth opening to speak, to interrupt the onslaught of emotions and feelings pouring from me. I hurriedly continued, not giving him the opportunity.
"Men, who’s first thought was their own pleasure, the second how they were going to pay me, their last the woman that lay beneath them, on top of them, flung over couches, left in the Jacuzzi. But it was the only affection I allowed myself to feel, before you. You broke through to something deep within me, and you scared the hell out of me. You gave me the strength to understand that the life I was leading wasn’t the life that I wanted, you gave me the confidence I needed to start making changes. But I had to do it, Justin. I had to do it, me. Because if I didn’t, if I let you solve these problems for me I would never be sure that that was who I truly was, or if that was who I was for you. I had to leave you Justin, because I wanted you so badly, and I wanted to be the type of person that was worthy of you. I had to leave Justin, because I love you. I don’t know when I started to love you, for when we met, I had no idea what the emotion felt like. I explained away every feeling I had for you, all these feelings pouring through me that I had no words to describe, feelings that you awakened, feelings that scared me and intrigued me. But I know when I realized it. And I know it now, as I stand before you and beg you for your forgiveness, for your friendship, for that small place in your heart where you said I couldn’t be replaced. I know that I love you. Saying the words still frightens me more then anything, but they are the only words I have. The only words that could possibly make you understand my reaction when I saw you and your cousin, the only words that could explain my hurried conclusions, the only words that mean anything to me."
His eyes darted away from my mine. His hand dropped from my arm, leaving my skin searing from his touch. I thought that I had said too much, but could not go back. Didn’t want to. I wanted him to see. I wanted him to know the raw, exposed emotions that surged through me. It was the only way I could make him understand. It was the only chance I had. Minutes that seemed like an eternity passed as I stared at him, his eyes intently looking out into the darkness of the night. I couldn’t read his expression, for I couldn’t see his eyes. I thought that he would turn and leave, thought that even my most valiant attempt, the only real attack I could muster, had failed. I moved my gaze from him, walking toward the bed. He stood, still, so still that I wasn’t sure if he was breathing, if his heart continued to beat, if he even blinked.
I lowered myself onto the plush comforter, exhausted. The previous three weeks had been a whirlwind, so much had happened. So much more would happen over the next four weeks. I didn’t know if my body or more importantly my mind would be able to keep up with the constant battery. Another stretch of time passed, I had no concept of how long he had been standing there. Then I heard his voice.
"Why?" His question darted out into the silence of the room and I wasn’t sure what he was asking. He cleared his throat, much in the same fashion as if to hold back sobs, then he spoke again, "why did you go back to this? Why didn’t you call me? Even if you couldn’t be with me, you didn’t have to do this."
I stood from the bed, thankful for the invitation he had afforded me, the opportunity to talk, to further clarify my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions.
"This was the only option Justin, the only job that would give me the money that I needed to pursue those dreams that I have. Those dreams that now explode in rainbow like colors because you gave me what I needed to believe that those dreams could somehow come true. I made a deal with Marie, that I would only work long enough to get the money together I would need to get a small apartment and pay for school. Don’t think that this is what I want to be doing, because it most certainly is not. Every night when I lay with these men, my stomach revolts, my skin crawls, my body shudders, but every night, I let them do what they want, and I drift away. My body remains with them, but my mind is elsewhere, in my mind, I am some place warm, some place inviting, and some place safe. In my mind, I’m at your house, in your bed, wrapped in your arms. And while I’m there, no one can touch me, no one can hurt me, and I can achieve anything, because of you. I love you Justin, more then I could ever tell you, more then I could ever explain, more then you will ever know. And I’m scared. Scared that you will walk out that door, and forget about the me, the whore hired to please you, the employee that meant nothing to you, the girl that loves you."
Tears pricked at my eyes, but I wouldn’t let them go. Would not allow them to come between us, would not allow them to manipulate him. For I knew that to shed them would be his undoing and without thinking he would wrap his arms around me and forget all the words I said, all the hurtful, unfair things I had thrust upon him. But I wanted him to think. I wanted him to make his decision, a decision clear in his mind, muddled not by these damn tears, muddled by nothing, other then his own thoughts.
His bare, muscled arm rose between us, and for an instant, I didn’t know what he was going to do. Then his hand cupped my cheek, soft, hesitant, burning my flesh. His finger trailed over my skin, tracing my lips. I kissed it gently and our eyes met. The coldness was gone, the warmth I longed for extinguishing it. He lowered his head, replacing his finger on my mouth with his own. Small, brief tender kisses that told so much. No words could be spoken. The kiss had been my confirmation, my response, all I needed. I wrapped my arms around him, reveling in the feel of his warm body so close to mine. My skin tingled, my lips smoldered, but it was my heart that burst with the most feeling, a feeling of not only loving the man so close to me, but that that love was returned. It was a feeling that I could fill books explaining and still not capture the beauty, security, or the magnificence of it.
We stood, wrapped in each other’s arms, wrapped in each other’s love. Our hearts beat together in rhythm as if one maintained us both. Contentment, exhaustion, poured through me and I felt my body sway. He pulled away, smiling at me, that smile that I had missed, the smile that could provide all I needed to live.
"Are you tired?" He asked, the concern replaced the angry tone of earlier.
"Truthfully, Justin," my voice was soft, "I’m exhausted."
"Me too." He replied, "let’s go to sleep. You can sleep here and I’ll sleep in the other room, if you want." His eyes lowered, the unasked question falling on my ears.
"Justin, I want you to stay with me." His eyes brightened. "I don’t ever want to let you go again."
He smiled, this time, playfully. "Well, that could be a logistical nightmare." He laughed with a shrug.
I shook my head. He took my hand in his, walking toward the bed. I lowered to sit on the soft mattress. He then untangled our fingers, walking away from me. I watched as he ruffled through the bags that Joey had open on the floor by the table. He pulled a t-shirt from the bag, with a pair of shorts.
"You can wear these to bed if you want. Though I don’t think Joey’s shorts will fit you, they might be a bit big, they might fall off."
"Just the t-shirt is fine, Justin. Thank you."
I took the offered item from him and made my way to the bathroom. I stripped off my clothes, replacing them with the soft cotton. I caught my reflection in the mirror, the hardened lines seemed to have soften, my lips turned up into what seemed to be a permanent smile, no matter how I moved my mouth, it was there. But it was my eyes that had changed the most. Instead of the self-doubt, the insecurities, my eyes reflected the love I held for the man that lay just a few short feet away, and my eyes glowed with the love that he returned.
As I exited the bathroom, I saw him, already sprawled out on the bed, his hands draped over his head, his breathing steady. I wondered if he was asleep. I received my answer soon enough as his voice echoed in the room.
"Blake, come here."
I walked toward him, when I was within his reach he sat up. Grabbing my arm he pulled me toward him. I fell to the space next to him. He struggled with the covers for a few moments before finally freeing them. He laid the covers over us, I snuggled into him, my head resting on his chest, my ear over his heart listening to the rhythmic beat, the organ that I held a part of.
He shifted slightly, his lips resting momentarily in my hair. "Blake, I love you too." He whispered before falling into the unconscious state of sleep. We spent the night wrapped in each other’s arms, in Joey’s bed. I had no idea where Joey slept, didn’t think about it at the time. I was in the arms of the man that I loved. I was in the arms of the man that loved me. The past didn’t exist. Tomorrow wouldn’t come. It was only he and I. I was right where I belonged.