Lustful Memoirs
By: Gina - gina@basic-nstynct.com
Chapter Fifty TwoTomorrow did come, the sun’s early rays penetrating through the curtains, and in the morning light, things didn’t seem as clear, things didn’t seem as simple. I lay in his arms, remembering all of our times together, remembering our meeting, the reasons for it, remembering my life, the movie of it playing over and over in my mind. I moved away from him, he moaned softly, before turning over and returning to his peaceful slumber. The thoughts crashing in my mind were anything but peaceful. I had exposed so much the night before, had allowed him complete access to every emotion I held for him, and I was scared. How would he feel when he awoke? Did I dream the words that fell from his lips before sleep captured him? Was it pity that made him care for me? The doubts that I feared would gnaw away at me had I chosen to stay with him in Florida didn’t fade because of a few changes I decided to make. The truth was my past did exist, I could not erase it. It was a part of me, a part of me that as of yet had not come to end. How could he accept that? I knew that he couldn’t.
I quickly retreated to the bathroom, pulling on my clothes. I had to leave, get away from him, get away from a dream that I knew could not exist with my eyes open. I struggled with my shoes. Deciding to just forego them, I opened the door, unaware of him stirring behind me. I stepped into the hallway, when his voice called out to me. I wanted so badly to run, to pretend that his words had never made their way to my ears. But damn it, I couldn’t, I turned around. I had to. He was an intoxicating drug, I the addicted junkie.
"Blake, where are you going?" I watched as he rose from the bed, his eyes blinking at the early morning rays, his body stretching as he walked, his taut muscles flexing and relaxing underneath the white shirt that he wore. He rubbed his eyes as he came to stand in front of me. What could I possibly say?
"I’m leaving, Justin. I have things I have to do."
"They can wait, Blake." He took my shoes from my hand, letting them fall on the floor inside the room. He captured my hand, pulling me toward him, his arms enveloping me. I stood stiff, he noticed.
He pulled away slowly, confusion masking his deep blue orbs, his stare penetrating my own, concern etched on his face, his lip pulled between those teeth. I forced myself to look away. Those lips were my undoing, no matter how he held them.
"Blake, talk to me, what’s wrong."
"I have to go Justin." With every ounce of strength I could muster, I forced the next words. "I can’t be with you."
I watched him recoil at the words, at the bone-chilling tone in which they were said.
"Blake, he placed a hand on my shoulder, his head dropping so that he could look directly into my eyes. "You ran away once, I won’t let it happen again."
"I can’t Justin, I tried to explain last night. I can’t just do this right now. I need time, I need to straighten everything out. I need to stand on my own two feet. Please understand. Everything I said to you last night was true. I meant every word. But I mean these words too. I have to do this. I need time, space. You don’t have to wait for me, I will understand if you can’t. But I can’t do this right now. I can’t give myself to you the way I want to. I just can’t, not now." The words rushed out in a single whoosh.
"Blake, if you love me, and you just said you did, then let me help you. I can give you whatever you need, I will do whatever you want, just please don’t leave."
"I’m not ready Justin, don’t you understand, can’t you understand? I, me, I’m not ready. Not ready to be with you, not comfortable being with you. I have to get my life together. You can’t help me do that."
"I can’t because you won’t let me."
"That’s right, I won’t let you. Because I have to do this for me, and only me."
I saw his face change. The concern no longer there, the only emotion I could read was determination, and maybe a slight hint of anger, of frustration.
"What are you going to do, Blake. Tell me that. You left me in Florida, when I could help you. You came back to this. And now you are here, you spent the night in my arms, where you belong. Where I know just by looking at you, that you want to be. I won’t let you leave, I won’t let you leave me again, so that you can go back to fucking other men, understand that. I won’t, I can’t."
"You can’t change me, Justin. For now, this is my life. I am in control. I know that this isn’t the lifestyle that I want. I know that there isn’t another man on this earth that I would rather be with more then you, but for now, this is the way it has to be. It can’t be any other way. I can’t let it be any other way. Please understand. It shatters me in a million pieces to think about walking out of here, walking away from you. My heart grieves you even as you stand before me now, but I can’t give in to that yet. I can’t. I’m not ready. I need to stand on my own two feet, to prove to myself that I can be the person that you deserve. I need time, three months, can you give me that?"
He looked away from me, no longer able to control his emotions. His voice broke as he spoke, "Blake, I would give you the world, all you would have to do is ask. I’m going to let you walk out that door, because that is what you feel you need. But not before I say what I need to say. You got to speak last night, you’ve done most of the talking this morning, but now, I have to say something."
He paused, and I shuddered, suddenly afraid of the words that might drip from his lips.
"Blake, shortly after I met you, I realized how truly special you were, nothing other then that mattered to me then, nothing other then that matters to me now. It’s not your profession I care about. It’s not your past. It’s not where you have been. It’s who you are and where you are going. And I want to be a part of that Blake. I know about school, I know of your aspirations. I read them in the bio Marie sent. I know you want to get your degree and then help troubled youth, no one is more qualified. Because you’ve seen the things that they have seen, you’ve been where they are. Blake, you’ve taken a totally horrible experience, one that I still don’t truly understand, but one that I am sure that I would not have been able to survive, and you’ve turned into your life mission. It doesn’t matter to me how you went about trying to achieve those goals. Most people that have gone through what you have, would have given up by now, would have taken the easy way out. I love you all the more because you left me in Florida. I love you all the more because you want to do this on your own now, without anyone’s assistance. You want to do this your way. I honor that. It doesn’t matter to me the method, what matters to me is the goal. And in the same breath, Blake, I can’t stand it. Can’t stand to think about another man touching you, couldn’t stand to think about it when you were with my own friends, people that I knew would not hurt you. But they are not me and they were touching you. I thought it would drive me mad. It drives me mad now. You don’t have to do anything to prove to me that you are the person that I deserve, I know with everything that I am, that you are much more then I deserve. I only hope that I deserve you. That being said, I want you to reconsider, I want you to just come back to bed with me, snuggle with me, and let me love you, let me feel your love for me. I can’t breath without it. But if you can’t, I understand. I won’t like it, I don’t like it, but I understand. So I will let you go, for three months."
I sensed the familiar tickle at the back of my throat, and knew that I had to leave, for my resolve was only so strong. So, before the tears had a chance to spill, I placed my hand on his face, caressing his cheek, feeling the roughness of the night’s growth of whiskers.
"I have to go, Justin. I will call you when I am ready."
I turned from him, grabbing my shoes. I walked as quickly as my bare feet would carry me. Once in the hallway, I all but ran to the elevator, pushing the button frantically. For if one second more passed, I would go back to him and do as he asked. I would join him in that bed.