Lustful Memoirs
By: Gina - gina@basic-nstynct.com
Chapter Fifty EightThe warm bath, the soft music, the two glasses of wine did nothing to calm me. My mind wondering how the group meeting had gone, wondering if JC and him had been able to mend bridges. I thought about the next day, all things I needed to do. I was a caged animal, I walked from room to room, first settling in my bed, the sleep evasive, right in front of me but just out of reach. I sat in the sitting room, hoping that the dull murmur coming from the infomercials would bore me, causing the exhaustion to sweep over my body, settling my mind, giving me freedom from the torrential thoughts that shifted through my brain.
Twice I had attempted to call him. Twice I had dial, the first time entering three numbers before hanging up, the second seven, only to once again replace the phone in its cradle, unable to call, yet unsure of the reason. He would certainly welcome my call. The thought of his voice lingering in my ear, his whisper of soft words, his care and concern travelling through the twisted telephone cord to caress me, soothe me. It was the comfort my body yearned for, ached for.
Another trip to the kitchen, a warm glass of milk in hand, I returned to my bedroom. I switched on the bedside lamp, opening the book that had rested on my nightstand untouched since the day I left for Orlando. It was a five-dollar romance novel that I had picked up at the drug store, not my typical reading material but the night I bought it I was in a hurry to meet a client. I had two scheduled that evening and two hours in between them. I had to have something to do. I opened to the marked paged and read the first paragraph. I had forgotten where the story left off, could not recall where it was going. I sighed, turning back to the first page. I would have to start again. For a time, I lost myself in the author’s words. Let them take me on the journey of their characters until Jake, the male lead, appeared. The author described him as a tall, lanky man, blazing blue eyes, and a halo of golden brown curls. An image of Justin appeared in my mind. He was the leading man in my own romance novel, just as Jake was the lead in the one that I was reading. I could hold off no longer.
I picked up the phone, for some unexplained reason, my fingers trembled as I dialed the digits. I held my breath as the phone rang, once, then twice. On the third ring, the phone was answered, a soft feminine singsong voice. I inhaled sharply, as I disconnected.
As I lowered the phone back to the nightstand, the image of the hotel lobby came storming back to me. The young blonde that he captured in his arms, the young blonde that I had accused of sharing his bed, the young blonde that I am still embarrassed to admit was his cousin. I shook my head, annoyed with myself. I had done it again. I had jumped to conclusions that he had never once given me any reason to believe.
With a drawn out sigh, I raised the phone again, this time intent that nothing would prevent me from talking to him. The phone rang once, twice, three times, on the fourth ring his message service announced that the phone was in use. I clicked my own phone off, not bothering to leave a message.
I dropped the cordless on the floor by my bed, switching off the light, I lowered myself under the covers, my eyes watching the still night beyond the windows, the trees swayed with the wind, the moon illuminating its kingdom, the stars standing guard. The night was calm, a stark contrast to the emotions brewing inside of me. I longed to hear his voice, longed to hear the comforting words that I was sure would flow like honey off of his tongue, coating me in his sweetness. My eyes drooped, his image taking up its permanent residence in the forefront of my brain. A sound shattered the reverie. I shot up in bed, disoriented, I glanced around, my hand resting on the alarm clock that wasn’t the source of the noise, I reached for the phone on the floor, dropping it once before picking it up. I fumbled with the buttons trying to turn it on. Finally, with the phone to my ear, I muttered a near sleeping hello.
"Blake." It was my comfort, the source of my well being, Justin.
"Justin." His name was but a whisper on my tongue, yet it wrapped around me, warming me.
"Are you okay? I’ve been trying to call for two hours, you haven’t been answering."
Two hours, I glanced at the clock, I must have succumb to the exhaustion without realizing it.
"Yes, I’m fine. I was sleeping."
"I didn’t mean to wake you. Clare told me that someone called and hung up, I checked the caller ID and it was you. I was worried."
"I’m stupid." What else could I say?
"Stupid, why, honey, what’s going on?"
"I wanted to call you Justin, wanted to know how the meeting went, wanted to know how you were, mostly I just wanted to hear your voice. When I finally called, a woman answered your phone. I hung up. I’m stupid."
He chuckled softly, and I had to smile myself.
"Honey, you are not stupid. I think it’s cute. Well, this time it’s cute. That time back at the hotel when you screamed at me. That wasn’t cute. But this small showing of jealousy is, strokes my ego, makes me feel wanted."
"Justin Timberlake, you of all people, do not need your ego stroked. It’s big enough already" I scolded him, playfully. He laughed in response.
"Blake, to answer your questions, I’m fine, just a couple of bruises, a few scraps. All which will heal before I get married. As for the meeting, it was filled with a lot of screaming and yelling, nothing out of the ordinary. We left the meeting, all of us deciding that we needed a break from each other. As of tomorrow, we are on a week’s long vacation. JC was given strict orders from Chris that he better return to the group as the JC that joined the group and not the bastard he is today. All in all, it was a typical Nsync meeting."
"I’m so sorry that it didn’t go well. Do you think he will be able to do that? Come back as the JC that you all miss so much?"
"First of all, you have nothing to be sorry for. As for JC, who knows? I know that music is his life, it’s his blood, his breath. This group at one time was the only thing that matter to him. Right now, I don’t know what is going on with him. It’s more then just this stuff with Renee, I can tell you that. But he won’t talk to me; I’ve tried and tried. Normally, he and I, we are there for each other. Right now, he won’t let me. So, I have no idea. I do know, however, that if he comes back with the same attitude he had tonight, he’s not going to have to worry about my kicking his ass, because Chris is going to do it first. It takes a lot to get to Chris, but JC is there, and if I were him, I would watch my every step."
I sighed. I had nothing to say. The urge to tell him about Brenda filtered through me, and yet I could not bring myself to do it. I needed to talk with her first, needed to see where she was coming from, what her thoughts and feelings were. Justin seemed to sense my discomfort.
"So, you just wanted to hear my voice?" The joking conceit laced his words. I shook my head, a smile replacing the scowl on my face.
"Well, I wanted to hear your voice and was thinking we could have phone sex or something. We could get nasty, nasty, you know, how’s that song go?"
He full out laughed. I could see in my mind the blush that I was sure rose from his neck to cover his face, his hand running through the downy softness of his curls.
We continued to talk as the sun rose beyond my window, the night ending, and the day beginning. We talked about everything. We talked of nothing. We discussed Jen and Lance, Chris and Melanie, Joey and Kelly. We never once talked of JC, or of the four weeks apart that stretched out before us. Silence, comfortable stillness, settled over us at points, followed by more words, and more raucous laughter. As I had known, he was able to calm me, to console me. It was as if his words took the form of his arms and wrapped protectively around me, protecting me from the demons of the world, protecting me from the demons of my mind.
I could hear a banging in the distance, someone pounding on his door. I listened as he answered it, could make out Joey’s voice asking if he wanted to get some breakfast. He yawned. I was thankful that he had the day off, he could rest. I spoke first, not wanting him to be the one to have to say good-bye.
"Justin, I’m going to let you go eat breakfast, lord knows that lanky frame of yours needs the beefing up."
"Hey, watch yourself girl. There isn’t a damn thing wrong with this god-like body, it makes girls across the country swoon." He paused for a minute and I searched for something to say to fill the silence, though I didn’t need to. He wasn’t done speaking. "To hell with those girls across the country. This body has made you swoon."
"Okay," I replied, rolling my eyes, enjoying his banter. "I can’t deny that."
"See, Timberlake wins again."
"No, you don’t, mister. I’ve already won."
"Oh, really?" He inquired, "how?"
"I can hear the smile in your voice."
He chuckled, as I repeated the words that he, himself once used.
"Okay, Blake, you win, now for your prize. Close your eyes."
My brow furrowed, what was he doing.
"What?" I asked.
"I said close your eyes. Just listen to me, please."
I did as he asked, how could I resist when in my mind I could see the pout, could see that damn bottom lip pulled between those rows of ivory. In moments, his voice filtered through the phone, a soft gentle sound as he sang. I didn’t recognize it as a song I had ever heard. Though it didn’t matter. His voice brought it to life, the words settling around me, the melody in his voice enveloping me as he sang of his one true love, the one that matter more to him then the life he led. A tear formed in the corner of my eye, I let it roll down my face, lost in the warmth and the comfort of the man on the other end of the line. He finished, and I was breathless. I could not speak.
"Blake, honey, you can and should call me whenever you need to hear my voice, I’m always here for you, always a phone call away, day or night. Try to have a good day. I love you."
I said the only thing that would come to mind. "I love you too."
I placed my finger on the end button, letting it linger there, unwilling for just a few minutes to sever the connection. He was truly remarkable, and he was mine. Disbelief ran through me, and I pushed it away. Whether I believed it or not, it was true. His love proved it to me every time I saw him, each time we spoke. There was no longer a reason to fight it. At that moment, on that morning as the birds began their daily song and the sun rose high in the sky, and the breeze danced in the tree leaves, I couldn’t believe I had ever felt a need to question it.