Lustful Memoirs
By: Gina - gina@basic-nstynct.com
Chapter Sixty ThreeIt was a struggle that I eventually did win, thankful for the Pepto-Bismol in my bag and the anger burning through me. Anger was good, a solid emotion, free of those physical conditions. Anger I could feed on, and welcomed it. The tension surrounded us, he in the drivers side of the car, I on the other. He wanted to go out to dinner he said. Somewhere quiet. I didn’t utter a word. He would not break me. I wouldn’t let him. He could do what he wanted to me, it was only my body. But he could not break my spirit, Marie had already done that. My worry was for Justin. For the pain he would feel if he knew. I only hoped that JC knew well enough or cared well enough to keep this information from him. I could be with JC, I could live out my end of my agreement with Marie, and I would do so without so much as faltering. For I would not let him think that for one instant he bothered me. I would not let him see the hurt in my eyes or the pain in my soul. I would not let him know the anguish he caused. Perhaps only then would he realize that it wasn’t worth the game. I longed to tell him about Brenda, to rub salt in his most hurtful of wounds, but I wouldn’t even give him the satisfaction of a retaliation. He wasn’t worth it. He would have me for four weeks, he could call me Brenda during that time if he wanted to. But I wouldn’t tell him where she was. Yes, it was true she hurt him, but she had her reasons, and just as I felt that I could help the both of them patch things back up, and repair their lives, he turns out to be the most hateful person I have ever known. Breakup or no breakup, hurt or no hurt, his actions were cruel, resentful, and unacceptable. I hoped that when the true JC that I knew existed in that body awoke, that he could live with himself.
He turned into the parking lot, my mind drifting for the entire drive, I had no idea where we were headed. As it turned out, he had chosen one of my favorite restaurants. I wondered if Marie had told him, had he truly wanted this time we were to spend together to be like we were a couple, like he was JC and I was Brenda and he was happy. He was fooling himself. There was no way it could be like that. I would do as required. I would fuck him, but I’d be damned if I would talk to him, or acknowledge him in any other fashion. I would do only what I was paid to do.
He opened my car door for me, I glared at him, not taking the offered hand, as I exited the vehicle. We approached the restaurant, the maitre de awaiting us, showing us quickly to our table. He ordered drinks for us both, after realizing that I would not make a sound.
I watched as he took the first sip of the amber colored liquid he had ordered. The harsh fluorescent lights danced in his hair and accentuated his face. For that one instant, I forgot about our circumstances. I could almost feel sorry for him. He looked tired, his cheeks were hollow, and his skin hanging over bones, yet there was something different about him. It was his eyes. The past times I had seen him they had been clouded, that night they were crystal clear. It was true they were riddled with fatigue but they were no longer hazed by hurt, no longer hidden by despair, only crystal clear sapphire blue. I wondered what had caused the change. I longed to ask him. Not only that but I longed to ask him why he had chosen to do this? Why he just couldn’t get over her? If I had the option at that moment I would have told him about Brenda, only to see his reaction. I wouldn’t tell him where he could find her, wouldn’t tell him her story. I would only tell him that I knew where she was, that she was fine, and that she asked about him. None of it would be a lie, yet when I opened my mouth, it quickly shut. The thought of what he was doing blanketing my brain once again, pushing the sentiment I felt for a brief moment away, and reminding me of what a bastard he was.
I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Dinner progressed slowly. He had ordered for me, surprisingly picking something that I would have enjoyed if it had been Justin sitting across from me, or if the circumstances between us had been different. But as it was, I merely played with my food, moving it around the crystal plate with the silver fork. I took a few bites only enough to stave off the grumbling in my stomach. He attempted to talk, I turned my head. I wasn’t interested in what he had to say.
I excused myself to use the ladies’ room, he stood from the table as I departed. His manners amazed me, they were impeccable. Everything about him was impeccable yet I could not understand what drove him to be so mean. I could understand the hurt. I could fathom the pain. But to be nasty, to be hurtful, I couldn’t understand it. These thoughts stayed with me as I entered the bathroom.
I was returning to the table when I felt cold, callused hands close around my arm. The offender turned me toward him. My mind at first thought it was JC but as my eyes burned into the brown of the man standing before me I knew it wasn’t him. No, the man that held me was an old client. Someone that I had taken care of once or twice, when he was in town on business. The site of him repulsed me then, it doubly repulsed me now.
He pulled me against him, alcohol permeated around him causing me to gag. He roughly placed his lips on mine, I shook my head away, struggling against him. But it was futile, he held both of my arms, his manicured fingernails dug into my skin. He moved his mouth closer to me, aligning his lips with my ear. I could feel his heated, rancid breath and my body convulsed. He then began to speak.
"Blakey, baby. Fancy meeting you here, you piece of hot burning sex." His tongue snaked across my neck, I shuddered beneath his touch struggling. But still it was no use. He was bigger and stronger then I was. My only option was to scream, and I wouldn’t do it. I would not cause a scene. I knew how to protect myself. I would await my opportunity.
"What’s the going rate for a blow job these days? Because my little buddy is restless and I can think of no better way to calm him then by ramming him down your throat." He pressed his body into mine, accentuating his point.
I looked at him squarely. "Fuck off." I responded to his foul, repellant comments.
"Now you are getting the picture, Blake, you always were good at your job."
He raised me from the floor, somehow managing to retain both of my arms in his hands, as he carried me toward the bathrooms.
"Get your fucking hands off of her."
I heard the voice, but wasn’t sure where it was coming from. I picked my head up, looking around. Standing three feet away from me and the man who held me was JC, his arms crossed over his chest, his jaw set in that stubborn way of his that I had seen bring the members of his group, those that knew him, to their knees.
"I don’t think you heard me. I said, get your fucking hands off of her." He not once raised his voice, yet his tone indicated that he was far from kidding.
The offender dropped me, I lost my balance slamming into the floor. I shook my head, willing the daze to ease. I couldn’t process the events around me. The man attacked me, at least that was his intent, and now JC stood defending me. I’m not sure which knowledge caused the most turmoil and questions.
Surely JC didn’t think he could defend me against this overgrown oaf. Who was he kidding? This guy was 250 pounds, easy. JC was lucky if he weighed 145 soaking weight. The guy towered over JC and yet, to my surprise, JC did not back down. He continued to stare at the offender, the jaw remaining stern, his nose held high, his eyebrows raised as if he expected the onslaught.
"What the hell did you say to me?"
"Surely you heard me." JC’s voice was like I had never heard it before. It was deep, commanding. It made me shudder. "I told you twice to get your hands off of her. You listened, did you not hear."
JC was baiting him this I knew and I wanted to scream at him. If this guy decided to take his aggression out on JC, JC would have spent days in the hospital if not the LA morgue. Part of me wanted him to, to see JC punished for all the things he had done. Another part of me kept replaying the events over in my head. JC had come to my rescue, he couldn’t hate me as much as he pretended, for if he did he could have left me, let this burly man have his way with me, he could have punished me for whatever wrongs he felt I committed. And yet he did not. And I couldn’t let him be punished either. They stared at each other, neither wavering as I regained my composure and rose to my feet.
"JC, let’s just go." My voice pleaded with him.
"Blake, here are the keys, go wait in the car." He held the offered items out to me.
"JC."
"Blake, now." His tone alone sent me into action. I grabbed his keys and walked toward the exit.
I sat in the car for ten minutes. Just as I had decided to go back in and see what had happened, JC appeared looking no worse than he had when he opened the door at the hotel. He took his seat and started the engine. Pulling out of the parking lot, he glanced at me.
"I’m sorry."
"Not your fault, the guy’s a jerk."
"I shouldn’t have brought you here. I didn’t know."
The panic and terror in his voice haunted me. I placed my hand on his arm, his eyes met mine before he frantically pulled them away. He wasn’t fast enough, I could see the tears pool in his dark blue orbs. I caressed his arm. Not knowing why but feeling the need to comfort him. He pulled his arm away.
"Blake, don’t."
I shifted, bringing my eyes to stare out the passenger side window.
"I’m sorry." Again he said the words, but this time I wasn’t sure it was only the incident in the restaurant he was referring to.
"Blake, I’m so sorry." A repeat of the words, and I knew that they meant so much more.
"What do you want me to say JC? How do you want me to react to all of this?" My disbelief and frustration laced my words, but I couldn’t hold it back, not for his sake, and not for my own. "What happened in the restaurant JC is not your fault. But I don’t understand why I was there with you. I don’t understand why you are doing this. I’m not trying to be your enemy. I love Justin, JC. And I know you think I’m wrong for him and he deserves someone better. Hell, I can understand where those thoughts come from, because I have them myself. But I love him, and I can’t stop loving him. Not for you, not for anyone."
"I know."
It was such a simple statement, yet it held a great impact.
"Blake, I understand your feelings for Justin. And I understand his for you. You guys are good together. Please don’t let anything I’ve said before this moment, or anything I might be stupid enough to say in the future make you believe anything else. Justin has been cut off from women for so long. I wasn’t sure he would ever open up again and when he finally did, I was the biggest asshole. It was my own pain, Blake. It’s no excuse and I don’t expect forgiveness but it was my own pain that caused me to act this way."
"JC, why did you hire me for tonight. For the next four weeks. What do you want? I can’t be Renee."
"Blake I wanted to talk to you tonight. I thought you might be more comfortable at the restaurant, surrounded by people then alone in a hotel room with me."
"You want to talk, JC? You only want to talk?"
"Yes."
For some reason I smiled then, I can’t explain the response, but I did. I placed my hand on his arm.
"Okay, we will talk. I know just the place."
He glanced over at me, wet paths formed on his cheeks. The image broke my heart. I navigated as he drove, a left here, and a right there, watch this turn, and watch that bump, until we arrived.
He parked the car and we exited the vehicle. The night air surrounded us, we were on a cliff overlooking the ocean.
"This is breathtaking." He noted. I shook my head in response.
"You showed me Orlando, I show you LA."
"I’ve been to LA so many times Blake, I wasn’t aware that something like this existed."
"Hey, don’t fret. The only thing I thought existed in Orlando was Disney World. Boy was I wrong."
He laughed, a grin forming on his face that I hadn’t seen in a long time, and I was happy to admit that I missed. He was much like I envisioned the true him to be. Laid back, relaxed, at ease. Yet unsure, and self conscious.
"There are some benches over there." I offered, and he led the way. We sat, both of us staring at the crashing waves.
"Blake, I’m sorry."
"So you keep saying."
"I don’t expect your forgiveness, nor do I deserve it. I haven’t been myself, and I’m sorry. I understand that you can’t forgive me, But I had to try something. I didn’t know and don’t know what else to do. I need Justin back, I need you with Justin. You make him happy. Blake, you are going to look at me like I’m nuts or something and maybe I am, but you make him sing again. I’m not talking about singing with Nsync. I’m talking about the daily singing that used to be so much a part of him. He would spend full days humming tunes, thinking up verses and beating out melodies and harmonies in his head. He was constant noise, if you wanted quiet then you didn’t want to be around Justin. And then it was gone. He got hurt, his heart was broken, and he closed off to everyone. The daily music stopped. You brought it back. You put the music back in his heart and I’ve been a total prick for denying him of the one thing that has been making me so miserable."
"JC, I don’t know what to say. I appreciate your love and concern for Justin. I always knew it was there. I could always justify why you treated me the way you did. But not the way you treated him. Every time he looked at you, it broke my heart. He needs you so much, and you took that away from him. I want you to give it back to him. He needs you."
"He needs you too, Blake. And it was never you personally that I didn’t like. I truly could not care less about what you did for a living. He loves you, his eyes burn with his desire for you. I can see that. It was always me. Completely me. I called that agency you work for. You might get angry with me, but I had to do something. So, I called them. I told them that I needed to hire you, that I couldn’t live without you. They thought I was obsessed. And it’s true, I am obsessed. I’m obsessed with getting you and Justin together, for good. I told her that I would pay any price. She told me that I would need to find another girl in four weeks, she told me that you planned to quit. I didn’t know that. But I was thrilled to learn it. I told her then I would need to hire you for all four weeks. She laughed over the phone. She asked if that would be cash payment. I told her yes. I need you with Justin, Blake, more than you will ever know or maybe more than you will ever understand. You and him have to be together. And now, I’ve paid Marie. And don’t look at me like that. Your agreement with her is satisfied. Now, you can be with him."
He took a breath. He wasn’t finished, but I was shocked. I couldn’t move, could hardly breath, his words came in a swift current, one right after another, without a single pause, until he couldn’t say another one for lack of breath. A deep inhalation and he continued.
"I know this pales in comparison to the things I’ve done to you, and I know you won’t forgive me. I need Justin back., and he needs you. And in all honestly, I need you too. You are, after all, my future sister in law."
A sly grin formed on his mouth and if I hadn’t felt shocked by his previous words, those truly sent electric shock waves through every nerve ending in my body. My eyebrows rose.
"I guess I have some other explaining to do."
I shook my head, I couldn’t respond verbally, my vocal chords would not function.
"I received a call from Brenda. Yes, I know that’s her name. She called me. Because of you. It was a slap in the face, a wake up call. Here I was trying to keep you from the man that you loved and you were trying to get me back together with the woman that I love. I’ve never felt like a bigger asshole. We decided to meet for dinner. She explained everything to me, Blake, and in a matter of minutes I was whole again. I could no longer be angry or hurt, I was whole. I was me. I decided at that moment that I would marry her. And I’m going to, I’m putting a ring around that girl’s finger as soon as legally possible. Because she isn’t going to be running away again."
Dumbfounded would not have described my reaction to his words. I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. Brenda had called him and now they were engaged. My eyebrows furrowed. I opened my mouth to speak, when he grabbed my hand.
"No time for any of that now, Blake. We have to go. We’re going to be late."
"JC, wait, what in God’s name are you doing now."
"No time to explain, come on, we’ll talk in the car, we are going to be late."
I followed behind him, his fingers wrapped around mine as he all but dragged me toward the car. I barely had a chance to settle in when he gunned the engine and took off.
"Are you going to explain now?" I asked him as I watched him manipulate his way through traffic.
"Not exactly," he replied, his lips parting into a grin that could only be described as mischievous.
We arrived back at the hotel that we had left hours before and every plan that I thought he had fizzled. We weren’t meeting Justin. Perhaps we were meeting Brenda.
He tossed his car keys to the valet.
"Come on Blake, hurry up."
I had never seen him so rushed. I followed him to the elevators literally jogging. He pushed the button frantically. I dared not ask another question. The car finally arrived. We stepped on and his finger again pounded on the poor button. We arrived at the top floor. The doors opened. We stepped off, yet he kept the doors from closing with his hand.
"Here’s your key, second suite on your left."
"What?"
"Just listen to me, go to the room and wait. Trust me, please."
He stepped back fully into the elevator, pushing a button the doors glided shut, leaving me standing staring after him, a cardkey in my hand.
I walked toward the suite, not knowing what to expect. I slid the key in the lock, opening the door. I entered.
The scent of vanilla enveloped me. There were candles everywhere. Food sat on warming plates, soft music enveloped the room, wine settled in the ice bucket. What the hell is he doing? I asked myself. As if he read my mind, as if on cue, the answer appeared. A note sat on the bed, JC’s chicken scratch scrawl.
"Justin will be here at 11, he’ll probably be pissed. But don’t worry, once he sees you everything will be okay."
I smiled to myself, settling down into the oversized chair, letting the events of the day replay in my mind. It was truly an amazing day. What had started out terrible had turned into something so grand. I was pulled from my thoughts suddenly as I heard the door open. And then I heard his voice, JC was right anger laced his every word.
"JC, what the fuck is going on. You better have a damn good reason for bringing me to this fucking hotel this time of night, do you know..."
His eyes met mine, the rest of his words catching in his throat.
"Blake." He said my name like it was the only word that existed.
I approached him.
"Justin, it’s been a bad day. I got delayed."
"But JC, he said..." I placed my finger over his lips.
"JC is amazing, isn’t he?"
His brow furrowed and then relaxed as I smiled.
"JC," he whispered his best friends name.
"JC." I repeated, confirming his thoughts.
He smiled fully then, those teeth bathed in milk revealed, his eyes crinkled, the lines appeared on his forehead. I kissed his chin. He lowered his mouth to mine.
We kissed softly before I pulled away from him.
"Justin, it’s over. It’s all over." I couldn’t believe that the words were true, but they were. There would be nothing more to stand in our way. My obligations with Marie were settled. My issues with my past were dealt with. His friends accepted us, all of them.
I had gained a sister, a group of close and dear friends. And as important as those thing were, I had been blessed with something infinitely more important...a soul mate. Someone who cared not about the past. For him the past no longer existed and therefore he made it so for me, he made me see that I was no longer the rejected child, I was no longer the hooker, I no longer would lay with men because they paid me to. But mostly he showed me that I would not have to worry about being loved or being able to love. He gave me all those things, and so much more. He gave me my future, not only with his soft blue eyes, and his red, full lips, and his slightly pink cheeks, and the curls that I adored, but with his heart and his soul. He infused me with thoughts of what was to come and not what had been. My life started over at that moment. Every emotion I felt, everything I needed, everything I had ever dreamed of was contained in the man that held me. And as I watched him, his lips lowering to meet mine, tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. I quickly pushed them away. They were happy tears, but they were tears all the same and should I let them fall they would have filled my eyes, clouding the image of the man that stood before me, obscuring my vision of the future. It had been a mystery for so long and as I stood looking at him, the future was clear, and nothing, not Marie, not his friends, not my own stupid tears would cloud it again.