A Treasure Worth Seeking
By: Shellie - shelliemg at gmail.com
Chapter 13"C! Mommy look!"
Lauren stopped and spun in a circle, searching the area surrounding them for Josh. "I don’t see him, honey. Where?"
"Here, Mommy, look!"
Lauren watched her daughter lean over the edge of her shopping cart and reach toward a stack of CD’s. "Oh!" Lauren laughed, picking up the CD case that Caroline had been attempting to get. No Strings Attached. She handed the CD to Caroline and picked her own up from the shelf. She stared at the cover. God, how did Caroline even recognize him? The JC on the cover had practically no hair. She tried to imagine him without the silky mane he wore now but couldn’t.
"Buy it!" Caroline demanded.
Laughing she placed the CD she was holding back on the shelf. "Okay, honey, you hold it for mommy and we will buy it." She started to move past the section but paused, considering the stack of CDs again. With a smirk she began to flip though the rack. There were 5 total, the two newest ones she already owned, she was now holding the other three. Nice, I’m about to spend a fortune on these when I could walk next door and ask for them and he’d give them to me for free.
But she continued with her shopping, decided she’d rather him not know just yet that she was interested. Once she had Carrie buckled into her car seat, she climbed back up front, reaching for the stack of CDs and tearing the top one open. She slid it into the player with a smile…
** ** **
"Okay, what’s going on with you? You are holding out on me and I’m about to fly down there and beat your ass."
Lauren smirked into the phone. "Shellie. So good to hear from you too!"
"Yeah? Is that why I haven’t heard from you in a month?"
"I’ve been busy!"
"Doing what?"
Lauren giggled, "The guy next door?"
"Oooh! I knew it!" The phone clattered in her ear for a moment. "I dropped the phone. Actually, I threw the phone. I cannot believe you haven’t told me this! What the hell? Whatever happened to swearing off men? And you weren’t about to have sex with the man next door, remember? He was just a nice guy."
"I changed my mind. He’s amazing."
"Oh, Jesus, this sounds serious. Is it?"
Lauren sighed, reaching to run her fingers through Caroline’s hair. "I don’t know. I mean I know how I feel about him and I think he feels the same but…his life is just so different than mine is. I’m not sure it would work out."
"But would you like for it to?"
"I…yes. I think that I would. But, he’s got something big going right now and I’m scared that if he leaves, he won’t come back."
"Doesn’t he live next door? Why wouldn’t he come back?"
"He only lives there for the time being. It’s like a vacation home. He has to leave in a few days actually. From there…I don’t know where he’s planning to go."
"You haven’t asked?"
"Shell, I’m trying not to assume anything here. I mean, we spend a lot of time together and he’s so wonderful but neither of us has said anything about love or the future. I just don’t want to ruin it by putting pressure on it."
"So instead you just let him walk away and have your heart broken?"
"He’s not gone yet. I plan to talk to him about it before he goes. I just…I don’t know. It’s so great right now. If I mess it up and the next few days are ruined…"
"You’re in love with him aren’t you?"
"I don’t think so."
"Lauren."
"Maybe. Maybe I am, but it’s been such a short time."
"That means nothing when it’s the right man. You’re a freaking romance novelist, you know all about that stuff."
"But, Shellie, we make that shit up. This isn’t a book, its real life. My life and I just want to be happy for a long as I can."
"And then be alone and miserable after he leaves?"
"You aren’t making this easy on me, Shell."
"I’m sorry, but I just want to see you happy, honey. You deserve a good man after all the shit you’ve been through in the past."
Lauren sighed, "I know. Me too, believe me. Me too."
** ** **
"So, I’ve been doing some thinking…about this NSync thing."
JC propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at her with a soft smile. "Oh have you? And what have you decided?" He reached forward, trailing his fingers lightly over her bare skin.
"Well, I’ve been doing some research, that’s what we writers do, ya know? And well…I just want to know something. You mentioned a few weeks ago that you didn’t have anything new to put on this album and that you were frustrated about that."
"Yes."
"Why do you have to do something new?"
"What do you mean?"
"Josh, you should just do what you are good at. I bought the CDs. I listened to them again and again and I wrote down which songs I liked best. Then I did some surfing online; those songs were the ones that everyone likes best. It’s not the new and cutting edge stuff that makes you who you are. It’s the ballads, the harmony. You’re an unbelievable harmony group. You sing beautifully, all of you. But you keep…not singing. You do all this fast and furious singing and whispering, the talking and little raps here and there. And the songs are great, but it’s the ones that showcase your true talent that really stand out. On all the albums, those are the same. They don’t get better with time, they can’t. Why don’t you just say, hey, this is who we are. This is what we do. And sing."
"Because that isn’t what the fans expect."
"So you are just going to stop? I mean, this is supposed to be about the music. This is supposed to be something you do because you love it. I know that you guys have written some beautiful songs that never make it on the albums because they get cut for the new stuff. But why not make an album of that stuff, the songs from your heart. The songs that show the world what you can really do."
JC watched his fingers play across her skin. "I don’t think it would matter at this point. My opinion, or yours isn’t going to hold this group together, baby."
"But if you want this, Josh, you have to at least try. Let them have their say, and when they are done, have yours. It certainly can’t make things worse."
He lowered himself back down beside her, tugging the covers up over their heads. Nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck he sighed. "I can’t decide if you’re a good sign or a bad one."
She rolled to face him, slipping one leg between his, curving an arm possessively around over his ribs. "Why do you say that?"
"Part of me wonders if you are here to show me that there are things worth doing besides NSync. Like, you are the replacement, the filler to fill up that gap in my life when NSync goes away. Then part of me is terrified that you’re like… a temptation, something here to convince me to make the wrong decision. Fooling me into saying fuck the group and then when it’s over, you’ll fade away and I’ll be all alone."
"Which do you want me to be?"
"Don’t ask me that."
"Why not, you can’t say something like that to me and expect me not to say something in return. I just want to know what you want me to be."
"Both. Neither."
"You’re going to have to be a bit more specific than that, Chasez."
"Well…if you’re here to fill that gap, my future, then if all this with the group is really over, I won’t be alone. I’ll have you and so far…I think you are pretty damn amazing." He rolled away from her, staring up at the ceiling as he continued in a soft voice. "But, if you are here because NSync is over with …well, then it would mean that NSync is really over and I just don’t want it to be yet, Laur. God."
He sat up, staring at the mirror above his dresser. He dropped his eyes to his hands and continued. "On the other hand, if you are only a temptation, something tossed in my path to lead me astray and I follow you and let my feelings for you make me make the wrong decision when NSync would have made it….and then you leave me and I end up with a broken heart anyway? Then what? NSync is still over. I don’t have you. I don’t have anything." He dropped back down onto the bed beside her with a frustrated noise. "But then again, if you are only here to confuse me, then that would mean that the group still has a chance. NSync wouldn’t be over…but you and I would. Any fucking way it goes I’m gonna end up with a broken heart. I just don’t want to hurt like that again." He sighed wearily, "You’re my treasure, you’re my torture. I’m not making any sense."
"So every moment we spend together part of you dreads what’s coming?"
"No. I love spending time with you. I just refuse to think about more than that."
"Josh, I’d never do anything to hurt you. I care about you. But I don’t want you to resent me. You can’t keep not thinking about it. You’re leaving in three days." An expression came across her face slowly that made him ache. "That’s what you’re waiting on isn’t it? In three days you can just walk away and not look back and you won’t have to say either way."
"No. Please don’t think that. Please don’t be upset with me. Not now. Not when I have to leave."
She sat up in bed, sliding to the edge and reaching for her robe. "I need to check on Caroline."
"Lauren…" JC sighed, bending an arm across his eyes to block out the light, the room, the world. How could he tell her how he felt when he honestly didn’t know? He’d been successful at avoiding the thoughts. So successful that he’d almost reached the point where he would have to leave and he wasn’t sure what he’d do if the rest of the guys said they wanted to stay together. Would he come back and get her? Would he say hey, it’s been fun and just leave it at that? She deserved more, but moving her to where he was would be a major commitment. He wasn’t sure if either of them was ready for that step yet. It had only been a couple of weeks that they’d been together. Was he ready for forever? But the alternative would be for her to stay here without him and him come back and forth when he had time. That wasn’t fair to her either.
Once again he pushed the thoughts aside. Standing he pulled on his jeans and headed for the kitchen. Coffee. First I’ll worry about coffee, then I’ll figure out the rest of my life. I’ve only got three days.
** ** **
"I’m not leaving until you promise me that you aren’t mad at me."
"I told you a million times already that I’m not mad at you. But if you’re looking for smiles and giggles, I’m sorry. I’m going to miss you. I’m not excited about you leaving."
He pulled her to him, pressing his lips to her forehead softly. "I know, babe, I’m going to miss you too." He bent, plucking Caroline from where she stood, gripping his pant leg with a chubby fist, staring up at him with huge blue eyes. "Both of you."
Caroline wrapped her small arms around his neck and dropped her head onto his shoulder. "I miss you."
"I’m gonna miss you too, Sweetie. So much." He rubbed his large palm over her head, smoothing the wayward curls, soothing her when his own heart was breaking in a million pieces. He wanted so much to take them with him. He’d almost asked a hundred times in the past two days but he knew that what he had to go and do wasn’t something they needed to experience. It was going to be hard on him and he didn’t want his negative attitude to reflect on his relationship with Lauren or her child. He handed Caroline back to her mother where she watched him, peeking from the crook of Lauren’s neck. "I’ll call you and tell you what goes down."
"Good luck, Josh. I know you’ll do the right thing for you. But you have to understand if the right thing for you isn’t the right thing for them."
He sighed, blinking rapidly as his eyes searched out everything in the room except for her face. Swallowing he stepped forward kissing her quickly on the mouth before he backed away. "I’ll call you."
"Bye, Josh."
He backed away, through the doorway, watching as Caroline’s tiny fingers opened and closed in a matching tiny wave. Turning he practically ran to his truck, peeling out of the driveway with his heart in his throat.